Dating, Nepali American Style

My girlfriend, Paula's parents are in town this week to do some visiting and also to meet me. Normally, meeting someone's parents who you are dating (at least for me) isn't a big deal. However, in this case, my girlfriend is a Nepali American Hindu and there are, well, let's say cultural differences. First off, she had already established long ago with her parents that she would not be engaging in an arranged marriage. The alternative, in Hindu culture, is the relatively recently popularizing (i don't think it's popular yet) 'love marriage.' However, with a cultural background of being in an arranged marriage themselves when they were 13, her parents conceive of a love marriage as one where 'you arrange it yourself,' but is otherwise like a traditional arranged marriage. Normally, an arranged marriage would go a little something like this:

1. A matchmaker identifies a young person who is in the age of marriage. Nowadays, this can be as old as early 20s, but can often be in the teens still. I am sure that out in the country in Nepal there are very young weddings. (as young as 10 or so. I guess it means something different than in America!) Well, I am 28 and Paula is 24, so relatively speaking, we are both well over the hill. To my credit, I did meet her when she was 18. That has to count for something, right? The matchmaker is time, fate and Burning Man, though.
   
2. The matchmaker identifies another young person of the appropriate gender, caste, upbringing, etc. ...Let's see how we would stack up on the matchmaker list. Brahman vs. N/A, Gender is correct, Hindu and, um, generally spiritual, she grew up in Ohio and I was born in Idaho- sometimes people confuse the two states, I guess. So, we have 1 out of 4. Not bad, I would say.
   
3. The matchmaker then contacts the families and attempts to arrange a meeting of the parents. In the internet age, this can happen by an email which may describe the suitor, but mostly describes the suitor's family, caste, etc. Much attention is paid to the lineage. In our case, Paula's dad asked Paula to ask me to provide one to him. I did with as much detail as I could because I wanted them to feel like they had good data coming into us meeting- the expectation for an arranged meeting! I also sent along a picture which is really advanced, but again, it helped them conceptualize me more in their minds.
   
4. If the mothers agree to meet and like each other, it's time for the papas to meet. This is going to happen, but it will be a dinner with both of her parents, my mom and my sister and the two of us.
   
5. Finally, if all goes well, by this stage, the couple might get to meet over a quick lunch or something like that. It is supervised. We have had many lunches, most of them unsupervised, though. And usually they last longer than 30 minutes.
   
6. Wedding! Ok, hold up! I'm only 28! We aren't ready to tie the not yet as individuals or as a couple. Still, at least the way seems to be paved for us to openly be together.
   

Obviously, these steps aren't happening like this in our case. For one thing, there is no matchmaker (I guess this depends on how you look at it.) For another, the steps are all out of order. In fact, it's almost totally reversed compared with the traditional way.

Fortunately, Paula's parents are cool people and open to new things. This is very good for us.

I have been hanging out with them and the atmosphere feels casual. I was actually quite nervous when I met them as compared with other girlfriend parent encounters. Really, there was no need to be, as it always turns out, but I started thinking that maybe they felt similarly. This is a big deal for them because, in their conception of the situation, we are essentially arranging a marriage right now, except that no one knows what the rules are for it!

At first, I thought that Paula and I were bending to the old tradition. However, when I consider it further, I guess it is the other way around, or maybe a little of both. For instance, certain things aren't openly discussed yet, such as the very notion that we are dating. This much is obvious to everyone- they are staying at my dad's house after all- yet it is an unspoken thing.

The unspoken things are the undefined ones. It's funny because we all relate well as people and have a surprisingly number of things and ideas in common. It is just the artificially created distinctions like 'normal courtship procedure' where it feel strange. It's an interesting experience so far, and I am glad to be having it.

This is important to Paula because she obviously wants to share her life with her family, and that includes me. I am happy for her coming out of the closet as a dater.